Dropping Spaghetti: Horrifying Masturbation Stories Edition

aliquo

I bring you hilarity from the deepest (though not darkest) recesses of the internet – 4chan.

“Horror” stories about masturbation gone wrong – real stories from real (anonymous) people about the horrible and hilarious side of masturbation. Most of the stories deal with getting caught by family/strangers in embarrassing cumming situations – sadly guy’s stories are a bit overrepresented…hopefully some of you women will chime in the comments and share your own adventures in masturbation.

Heck, to make this even more interesting, I’ll even share a personal horror story -

I’m about 15 years old, flying to Italy on a plane alone. Get really horny and realize that if I go to jerk off in the plane stall and face the direction the plane is traveling at about 800mph, I’ll blow a load whose exit speed might even break the sound barrier. Think this is amazing and deicide to give it a try. Am furiously masturbating in the stall – apparently in my excitement at this amazing idea, I failed to properly lock the stall. Just as I’m about to cum, someone opens the stall door and walks in – “oh god no, I’m cumming” I shout as the door opens. I hear a voice behind me say “oh jesus” and the door slams shut. I spent about 20 minutes more in there, hoping that the crowd near the stall rotates and I can leave without anyone that witnessed my shame identifying me. Btw – sadly, my ejaculation didn’t create a sonic boom. :(

Without further ado, here are a few of the greatest hits from this ephemeral conversation thread:

>be 14
>on ski vacation with parents
>come back to hotel early
>fap time
>start fapping in main room for reasons
>glorious.jpg
>blow load
>biggest load 14 year old self has blown
>parents come in
>ohshit.jpg
>still have a few seconds before they see me
>stuff boner in pants
>grab all the jizz with my hands
>parents oblivious, sit down and talk to me
>goddammit
>sit there for 20 minutes with a semen-filled fist
>worst fap ever

***

>Wearing headphones
>slowly work my hand down
>begin furiously beating my meat like it broke into my house
>feel the massive build up
>close my eyes in ecstasy
>cum buckets
>open my eyes to see a sandwich and drink in front of me
>wasn’t there when i started 20 minutes ago…

***

>Be 18
>Get a whole day with the house to myself
>Finally get to watch porn with sound
>Get in the nude
>Fapping begins
>Video gets boring
>Turn around in chair, close my eyes and listen to the awesome audio.
>Opens eyes to watch glorious load make a perfect ark across room.
>Load lands on dog who was watching the entire time.
>bullseye.png
>Dog starts yelping and runs around the house because shes got cum in her eyes.
>Catch dog and clean uber sticky cum. Make sure that bitch is clean.
>Parents come back and notice dogs eyes are red and swollen.
>I have to take dog to vet to see whats wrong.
>Way to much fucking work for a simple fap.

***

>be 15
>in my room
>take off all my clothes, start to fap
>fapping naked on the bed, ready to cum
>hear footsteps approaching
>quickly pull the blanket over myself
>mom walks in
>starts talking to me about some random shit
>feel her ass against my thigh, can’t help myself
>cum all over myself under the blanket
>she’s oblivious
>oh god the shame

And that’s how my milf fetish started

***

>be 14
>begin to sleep nude
>fap everymorning after mom wakes me up for school
>this time takes unusually long
>blow my load in my blanket fbf.jpeg
>fal lasleep
>mom comes in, pissed im not awake yet
>rips blanket off me
>sees me asleep with hand around cock
>she sent some jizz flying onto her arm
>she screams at me and leaves
>get home from school, mom talks about proper jizz relocation

***

>Be 20
>Sexy sister-in-law sunbathing by pool
>She fell asleep
>No one else at home
>I decide to stare at her beautiful ass and fap while staying in the pool
>Cum
>Look over to see brother-in-law watching me through the window

***

>staying at girlfriends place
>she won’t put out
>have to sleep in guest room
>2am
>punishing my schpoople like a fucking maniac
>door swings open
>girlfriend standing there
>eye contact is made
>cannon is ready to fire
>FIRE!
>cum flies 9 feet and gets her right in the face
>she stares at me for a second
>freaks out
>her dad wakes up
>I’m already leaving
>walk 14 miles home
>we laugh about it still to this day
>she begs for a facial when we fuck

***

>be in afghanistan
>be on post
>really tired so i decide to beat it to stay awake
>shits getting intense
>fuck my sectors
>radio beeps
>post 3 post 3 this is the sog, battalion can see you wanking it on the gboss

note: “gboss” is a huge thermal camera

***

>sleeping in my room with our new dog
>decide to fap before sleep
>cum buckets for a 14old
>still boner
>need to piss..
>late night so decide not to put underwear back on
>suddenly dog barks
>mom comes in with light speed from room next to me
>standing in middle of room with raging boner
>cum drips of
>she thinks i tried/did fuck the dog (it was a bitch)
>she says nothing takes dog, leaves room
>megatron 9000 shamefeelings
>go piss
>nearly cry of shame when back in bed

>later she tells my 18yo sister
>same shame again

>be 3 years later (17yo)
>find dildos and sex stuff from parents
>she has friends there, drinkin tea and stuff
>still remember her betrayal
>get bag of sex toys (some of them still sloppy)

> get in living room where friends and mom are
> give her opened bag with large dildos and stuff
> her friends like most awesome wtf faces i ever saw..
> “dont hide that in the bathroom plz”

> go away
> *evil-insane-trollface.jpg*

>later she asks me why i did this to her, nearly crying
> “i never fucked that dog”

***

>be 13
>sitting at home after school, mum’s out and dad’s doing the washing
>in my room
>jam the back of my hairbrush in my pussy after hearing a friend did it
>doesn’t fit but i’m still wet.. anyway, grab something to eat and sit in front of tv
>sitting against couch underneath coffee table
>see one of those promotional thick pens with logos etc on the table
>my line of sight means i would see if dad came in ages before he could see me so i don’t worry
>slide it into my pussy (wearing a skirt so i just part my panties to one side)
>can’t remember what i’m watching, but it was probably animaniacs or some crap
>end up fapping like mad jamming it in and out
>eventually it feels uncomfortable so i put the pen on the table and start rubbing my clit
>come everywhere, panties soaked, hands look like i’ve just dipped them in a tub of hair gel
>phone rings
>dad comes in, i jump, he gives me a weird look
>i sit there as dad is on the phone, waiting for him to leave so i can clean myself up or at least look away so i can get up and leave
>he comes over and grabs the pen off the couch to write something down.
>his face when he notices it’s gooey and mfw i know that he knows exactly what it is

***

>be 15
>used to go to cousins house often to fap into any bra i would get in their bathroom
>Be fapping by rubbing cock furiously on cousins bra.(forgot to lock door this day)After i blow my load off i look back to see her looking at me with eyes wide open
>she just runs away and then acts like nothing happened.never talk about it and infact almost never talk and it’s been awkard always after that

***

>Be 19
>With GF at her dorm
>Haven’t fucked yet, she’s still giving me hj’s and shit
>One night I’m in the shower with her and she can’t get me to cum
>I start beating it furiously
>15 minutes pass, I keep feeling like I’m about to, then losing the feeling
>She’s doing insanely hot shit like rubbing her big tits in my face and whatnot, still not getting me there
>Raging, already going to be 20 minutes late to work because of my folly
>She says its okay, “I’ll make you cum when you get off work”
>For me that’s just sweet frosting on a shit cake
>I leave and get in my truck, still hard as shit
>About to peel out as I leave the parking lot when I hit a speed bump I didn’t see
>Jolt of hitting the bump somehow causes me to blow my load in my pants
>30 minutes late to work, cumsoaked pants
>mfw utterly confused

***

>be 5 years ago, 18 still live with parents
>tired of clean up procedures so fap directly in to the toilet
>straddling the bowl awkwardly
>the toilet seat is pressing against my gooch in an interesting and strangely pleasurable way
>maximize feeling by repositioning to a more awkward half kneeling half straddle
>cum and feels fantastic, but nothing comes out
>freak out and stand up
>huge load shoots out at massive force all over the toilet, the tank, and floor around it, splashing back at me
>some gets on my face
>have to clean up this chemical spill disaster
>later my mom asks if I cleaned the bathroom because it looked nice

***

>be 15
>be at friends house
>hot sister in the back sunbathing
>some family party coming on
>get boner from looking at her
>go to bathroom
>lelfaptime.jpg
>finish look around see there cousin(female)*
>later see her doing the hand motion of fapping at the dinner table
>everyone freaks out
>they ask her where she saw this/who made her do this
>points at me
>wat, n-no ii-i didn’t teach her that
was never allowed to go to my friends house again.

*The above story has been changed from the original.

***

END

  1. diane March 20, 2013 at 11:37 am #

    The last story is really offensive to mentally/ intellectually disabled people and should be removed. I work with them and live with them and they are not stupid.

    • aliquo March 20, 2013 at 12:46 pm #

      I kinda dig where you’re coming from, I went back and forth a couple of times thinking about whether I should include/edit that story.
      Decided to keep the story despite the offensiveness because it was a great story and I don’t feel comfortable censoring someone else’s work, even if they are anonymous.
      That said, I’m happy you made the comment you did because it’s an important point to discuss and maybe through pointing stuff like this out, you make other more conscious of what they are saying/doing. If we simply censor and ignore, no one learns what they’re doing might be wrong…

  2. diane March 20, 2013 at 11:45 am #

    First of all only assholes refer to them as “retard” and second you guys look bad for letting this story stay on your site. Just take that into consideration.

  3. Steller_mist March 20, 2013 at 11:51 am #

    Oh wow, some of these just made me laugh others made me like…oh shit. Then again, so many other things can go wrong….

  4. Sugar^3 April 4, 2013 at 6:41 pm #

    Twenty years old, in my room and it’s around 9 at night. Going into work super early next morning, dad was upgrading the servers, so i needed to get to sleep. Spent hour tossing and turning, before finally deciding to masturbate until I passed out. Happily dug through my magic chest, pulled out my pink rabbit vibrator, and went to town. I turned the vibration mode on the shaft to high, but left the one for the clit off.

    15 minutes in and I am feeling pretty good about life, but am sweating like crazy. Just when I’m about to throw my sheet off me and to the foot of the bed my mom knocks once and opens the door without waiting for an answer. I panick, and instead of turning the vibrations off I hit the button the turns on the clitoral one. I roll over onto my knees in a very weird version of the fetal position, hoping that she’ll get the hint and go away. No such luck.

    She happily starts telling me that she just needs to see my back, so that she can make sure the shawl she is knitting will cover my shoulders all right. I snip at her and tell her to go away, that I’m trying to get to sleep. Of course, she will have none of it and comes over and starts measuring my conveniantly placed back. Cue orgasm. FML. She just ignored the buzzing noise, and left the room, turning off the light behind her. I still hope that she thinks it was my cellphone or something.

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